sweet dreams

I went to a baby shower for a friend’s daughter on Sunday. At first, as I watched the radiant mom-to-be open one cute pink gift after another, it made me happy. But I have to admit that by the end of the afternoon I practically ran out of that room. While slipping into my coat before I made my great escape, I overheard another friend say that she had just finished addressing her own Christmas cards as well as her mother’s cards. I had just finished addressing the invitations to my mom’s memorial. My own granddaughter was due on September 7th, my mom died on September 30th. As I drove home under a canopy of golden autumn leaves, I had one of those moments that sneak up on you, that suddenly wash over you just when you thought you were doing really great handling the trials of your life. I let the tears fall freely and I remembered a dream I had when the kids were still pregnant.

Two weeks before Andy and Meagan found out that the pregnancy was in trouble, and three weeks before they lost the baby, I had this dream. In the dream we had a house full of family and I was scurrying around like I do when I suddenly saw this little baby sitting in a highchair at a table. The baby wasn’t part of the crazy dream, it was slightly transparent, blond and blue-eyed with a faint glow surrounding it. I sat down across from the baby as the rest of the dream paused and fell away. I asked the baby if it knew what the sex of the coming baby was. The baby looked at me, smiled, and answered, “Can’t you just be patient and wait two more weeks until they find out?” I said, “No, can you tell me?” (not at all surprised that the baby, who looked to be about nine months old, was talking to me). The baby giggled, a sweet, sweet little laugh like the sound of peeling bells, then it looked down shyly and said, “It’s a girl.”

Of course, now I wish I had asked the dream baby if the baby in my daughter-in-law’s belly was healthy, if everything was going turn out okay. After they lost the baby (it was a girl) I was angry that I’d had that dream because a part of me was hoping that the baby in the dream was the baby that I would be holding in my arms by my birthday come September. If I could ask for any dream right now it would be one where I see my mom, young and healthy, her arms cradling a blond, giggling blue-eyed baby girl.

7 thoughts on “sweet dreams

  1. Oh, sweet friend…i felt that so clearly. i am so sorry for your many losses of late. i remember those feelings that smack you upside the heart at unexpected moments. Thanks for sharing it so well. You gave me shivers, but i’m sorry for what you’ve experienced in order to share it.

  2. Pingback: Pages tagged "dreams"

  3. Amazing how all of life is so hopelessly entwined, and how each other life can in some way, at random crossroads, effect our own. It was an easy scene to picture with you because it rang true in my own experience. Pappy

  4. Oh how I wish we could place an order for a specific dream, I would dream about my son every night. I too have questions but God is merciful and gives us only pieces of the puzzle. When I’m feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the fact that I lost my only child and will never know the joy of becoming a grandmother I remind myself that Andrew and Jamie had lost a baby and that I know that one day I will close my eyes and reopen them to see my son holding his child. Then we will all be together again –

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